This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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