I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We left the knife in your bed.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
