based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Randomize
