My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Randomize
