the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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