Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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