So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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