he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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