and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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