Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
