Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
