You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize