: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
