Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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