Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
