Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
