I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
