Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
