Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
