Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
a search helicopter?!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
