her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
