Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
