She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
