New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
