I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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