I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize