and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
