Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
