I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
