God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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