Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
