The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
