I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
