i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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