alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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