You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
