thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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