Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
time to smoke my breakfast
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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