The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize