i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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