Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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