i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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