They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
