I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
