Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
