I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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