I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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