We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
