i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
