I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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