Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
