he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
