I can text with my tongue
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
