Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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