I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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