I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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