I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
