mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
